From Heaven to Hell. Rafidah, Shahrizat & Jean Abdullah meet their Creator,GOD on Judgement Day. GOD says 'I understand all of you are from Malaysia, which to the Bumis, is also known as 'heaven-on-earth'. Here too you all shall be treated according to status. You shall meet the who's who of the Malaysian cream of the crop. You can see two giant gates over there. On one is stated Bumi & the other Non-Bumi. Just go to the respective gates & mention your name. BUT remember, should your claim turns out to be false, you shall be condemned to the tortures of hell for all eternity and lose any chance of redemption whatsoever.'
Jean goes over first. She stands outside the Bumi gate and mentions her name. The digital display flashes 'DLL' (dan lain lain = Portuguese Tart) and a ear- piercing alarm rings out. The gate opens to reveal a chamber of raging fire of intense heat. 'Welcome to hell' booms a burly turbaned Sikh as he pulls her in. His name tag reads as Irwan Shah Abdullah@DJ Dave@Sukhdave Singh.
Rafidah & Shahrizat are caught by surprise but smile at each other knowingly. Next goes Shahrizat. She too stands outside the Bumi gate & mentions her name. The digital display screen flashes 'MAMAK' and another ear-piercing alarm triggers. The gate opens to reveal an icy cold chamber way below freezing point.This gate is specially named "The Cowgate" 'Welcome home, I'm Mamoothy', says a sarcastic voice who's name tag reads as Mahathir s/o Mohd Kutty.
Rafidah who is very sure of qualifying, walks over haughtily to the gate which she feels is her birth-right. Just as she mentions her name, the digital display flashes 'INDIAN' .There is a thunderous flash and the gate opens to reveal a pot-bellied figure with a trident in hand & nothing else on except a wig. A familiar voice rings out 'Selamat datang Paduka, Kemaluan saya amat besar, tetapi walaubagaimana pun .......'.He can't go on as he is salivating and panting heavily. She is too shocked for words and turns around in time to hear GOD say just before the gate closes forever 'Your particulars in our record shows your middle name to be AP instead of binti .....' (Rafidah 'AP'Aziz)
This handsome fella is the 'ultimate' icon/ambassador for 'Barang Naik'; barang sentiasa naik 24-jam! Photo courtesy of KK, Sabah-based award-winning photographer Mr CV Chong.
Of late, "BN" has become an increasingly popular acronym for "Barang Naik" - thanks to the Govt's recent decision to cut subsidies (a politically-correct term), which in a way confirmed Minister in the PM's Department, Datuk Idirs Jala's concern & projection of the nation's dire financial position, to be true.
In Msia, the word 'barang' also generally refers to male genital organ; hence "Barang Naik" could also mean an ERECTION besides price hike (a politically-incorrect term at this point of time). Therefore, BN is truly a controversial acronym that brings a mixed feelings to the masses, depending on how & where it is used, whether in the bed, or in the supermarket.
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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot at PutraJaya."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Perdana cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.malaysia ~ If you like this informative post, please subscribe to my full RSS Feed
An old joke but funny nevertheless.
In November 2006, President George W Bush is about to visit several Asian
countries including Indonesia and Singapore.
Bush: Well Condi, is there anything you need from Singapore that I can
pick up for you while I am there next month?
Rice: That's very kind of you, Mr President, but no, there's really
nothing I need right now from there. But Laura will certainly enjoy the
shopping there, sir.
Bush: Ah yes, she's been talking about it. Lee's wife has promised to take
her shopping at the newly opened Vivocity.
Rice: I'm sure she'll enjoy a trip to Sentosa too. Especially now, that
the haze from Indonesia has more or less lifted. Talking of which, you're
going to Indonesia too, aren't you sir?
Bush: Yes I am, and while I'm with the Indonesian President, Laura will
visit Acheh and give away a cheque to the tsunami victims.
Rice: How sweet. Would you be dropping by Malai Shia, sir?
Bush: Naw, giving them a miss.
Rice: Don't blame you sir, they have some rough motor cyclists there. Call
themselves "Mad Ram Piss" or something. They think they're the Asian
equivalent of our Knievel. They would certainly scare Laura to death.
Bush: Nah, Laura is made of sterner stuff. But that's not the reason why
we're not going to Malai Shia, Condi.
Rice: Oh. Then it must be their traffic jams. They even have monorails
that run off the tracks and dangle in mid-air. And highway pillars that
crack.
Bush: Really? Incompetent, that's all I can say. But no, that's not the
reason why we're skipping Malai Shia either.
Rice: Oh I know. You don't want to distract the Prime Minister right now,
do you? Heard he's getting some shitty stuff from his predecessor telling
him off like a kid.
Bush: If Clinton did that to me, I'd personally throw him off an F-16. But
no, that's also not the reason why we're skipping Malai Shia.
Rice: Must be the floods then, sir? It's the monsoon season now and it
floods bad after just two hours of rain. Landslides too; bring down houses
but then people there build 4-storey bungalows without approval.
Bush: Naw, the rain wouldn't bother us. That's also not the reason for not
going there.
Rice: I give up. Why are you visiting Indonesia and Singapore, and yet not
go to Malai Shia, Mr President?
Bush: The reason, Dr Rice, is that I don't want their Religious Department
people banging on our hotel room door in the middle of the night,
demanding to see our marriage certificate. Now THAT would scare the hell
out of Laura! malaysia ~ If you like this informative post, please subscribe to my full RSS Feed
Tuhan Allah (God) was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of yellow-skinned people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. This one produced Durian, while this one will produce Grapes."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a land area and said, "What's that?"
"That's the Town of Petra Jaya, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers, mountains, streams, lakes, forests, and hills. The people from the Town of Petra Jaya are going to be tanned and handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about Balance, God? You said there would be Balance."
God smiled, "There's Putra Jaya. Wait till you see the idiots I put there!"
Stolen from: Comedy+malaysia ~ If you like this informative post, please subscribe to my full RSS Feed
Just hours ago, PM Najib announced his new Cabinet lineup and as expected without KJ in the list. However, there are fans of KJ who think he should be in the Cabinet lineup. One such fan, commented in his FaceBook that Khairy Should Be In Cabinet Because…
1. … if UMNO is to get rid of corrupt politicians, Parliament will be half empty and Najib has to get rid of himself (C4 or other means).
2. … money politics is the only survival tool in UMNO/BN, as Mahathir wanted it.
3. … if UMNO starts to get serious about cleaning up corruption, UMNO warlords will go amok and jump over to opposition (at least threaten to do so).
4. … if he is not, who is going to be Minister of (un)Education? Hamid Botak?
5. … he wears tight Armani Suit. Kids need something to look up to and Mawi only knows how to sell Mamee.
6. … he is the most handsome(st) politician in BN. Others look like shit with big bellies and balding head.
7. … he is the only one who can accord the Mat Rempits the dignity & respect as the real terror of the streets. Imagine what UMNO would become without the red scorpion gang to do all the dirty works.
8. … if he is not, it will trigger a C4 war between Rosmah and Mahathir on who gets to pull the strings on Najib the puppet. After all the hard and EXPLOSIVE works, no way Rosmah is going to let Mahathir into the game.
9. … he, according to the Oracle, is The One who would be able to wake up all Malaysian from the Matrix and trigger a revolution to bring down UMNO. Only KJ has the balls to swallow red pill and still appear blue.
10. … only KJ can help Najib screw the old man’s plan to have Mukhriz as the next PM in line. Rosmah can then get their son away from those blonds & booze and especially Mongolian girls as he will be the youngest PM evar. Screw the Mahathir clan. There can be only ONE Family!
11. … Ali Rustam was also found guilty of corruption what. How come he can remain a Menteri Besar while KJ cannot be a minister? Why Mahathir never ask Ali Rustam to resign? It’s ok to have a corrupt Menteri Besar? This will trigger a huge uproar and will cost Najib+Rosmah lots of money to settle.
12. … it’s simple maths. How many years more Mahathir has on planet Earth? How many more KJ has? Who is a better friend?
13. … if Khairy can do his thing on Badawi’s daughter, he can also work his magic on Rosmah. Afterall, Rosmah is quite an item and KJ knows well what heavily botoxed women seek for. Women + power, that’s KJ’s arena.malaysia ~ If you like this informative post, please subscribe to my full RSS Feed
Malaysian KARAOKE Contest 2008
Final Results!
9 Mahathir -- My Way
8 Pak Lah --Dream, Dream, Dream
7 Najib -- Your Cheating Heart
6 Tengku Razaleigh -- I Believe I Can Fly
5 Khairy -- Money, Money, Money
4 IGP -- I'll Be Watching You
3 Anwar -- Winds Of Change
2 Saiful -- I Swear
And the winner is Syed Hamid - Oh Carol, I'm But A Fool
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How much would it cost to (telephone) call Malaysia from Hell? You'd be surprised!
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Mahathir die and go to hell. But the devil has only one phone there. Queen says, I miss my England, can I use your phone and hear how my people are doing down there.
She calls and talks about five minutes. Then she asks: Well devil, how much do I owe you for the call? The devil says: Five million pounds. She writes him a cheque and goes back to her chair.
Clinton wants to make a call too. He says I wanna call the US . He talks about ten minutes, then asks how much do I owe you devil? The devil says Ten million dollars He also writes a cheque and goes back to his seat.
Mahathir is jealous. He says I want to call Malaysia. He calls and talks for about an hour to his chief crony who is busy trying to give instructions to Petronas to take care of his sons. Then he asks the devil how much do I owe you?
The devil replies: only one dollar. Mahathir is shocked and asks 'why so little?'.
The devils says: if you make a call from one hell to another, IT'S LOCAL CALL.
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1. Chef Wan : The chicken saw me coming… that’s why she crossed!
2. Pak Lah : Err… did the chicken really cross? I didn’t know about that. Let me check with my Agriculture Minister.
3. TDM : Dia tak seharusnya melintas, bahaya tu… ayam ni mudah lupa.
4. Anwar Ibrahim : Of course the chicken will cros over. I has said so! And there’s no money involved.
5. Chief of Police : It’s alright for the chicken to cross. As long as they don’t assemble more than 5, they are not breaking any laws.
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Pak Lah was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Lee Hsien Loong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and incorruptible cabinet.
On hearing Pak Lah's woes, PM Lee said, "Simple, Pak Lah, I choose able men for my cabinet." Pak Lah asked, "Yes, but how do you know that they are able?"
PM Lee replied, "Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence, don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you." Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Lee called out to him, "Hey Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over. PM Lee asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your fathers son ?" Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."
PM Lee turned to Pak Lah and said, "See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Pak Lah thank PM Lee and left. Once he was back, he immediately summoned Najib, his deputy, and shot the question at him, "Tell me, Najib, who is your father's son?"
Najib was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow." Pak Lah, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Najib will give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Najib was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning, he decided to call George Bush for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.
When Bush picked up the phone, Najib said, "Hello, Bush, can I ask you a question?" Bush, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good !" Najib quickly asked, "Tell me, Bush, who is your father's son?" Bush was fuming, "Of course it's me, you stupid !" and he slammed the phone down.
Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently walked into Pak Lah's office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your question." Pak Lah, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So tell me quick, who is your fathers son, Najib ?"
Najib confidently replied, "It's George Bush !"
Pak Lah slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid, it's TONY TAN !"
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Related posts:
* Pak Lah and a little girl
.
Pak Lah was seated next to a little girl on an airplane that was leaving KLIA. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Pak Lah, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know', said Pak Lah, 'How about who is going to win the next election?'
'OK', she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
Pak Lah thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl then asks, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss who is going to win the next election when you don't know shit?'
